The Bar

THE HARD STUFF

Let’s get one thing straight: I am not running a speakeasy. I don’t have aperol or campari, I don’t have egg whites, and I don’t own a muddler that wasn’t made in 1982.

We pour drinks into glasses. Sometimes we add ice. Sometimes we add soda. If you want a “craft experience,” go to a place where the bartenders wear suspenders.

THE COCKTAIL “MENU”

We can make four things. Do not challenge me on this.

Jack & Coke (or Rum & Coke, or Vodka & Coke… you get the idea).
Brandy Old Fashioned (Wisconsin style. Don’t ask for it “neat”).
Bloody Mary (Sundays mostly, but if I have the mix, I’ll make it).
Margarita (It comes in a glass, not a frozen machine).
If Justin is behind the bar, he makes a mean Moscow Mule.

NO MARTINIS. NO MANHATTANS. I don’t have Vermouth. I don’t want Vermouth. It sits on the shelf and turns into vinegar.

THE “TELL ME HOW TO MAKE IT” RULE: If you order something obscure like a “Purple Nurple” or a “Slow Comfortable Screw,” you better be prepared to recite the ingredients and the ratios. If I have the stuff, I’ll make it. If I don’t, you’re drinking a beer.

THE LIQUOR SHELF

Here is what we stock. If you don’t see your favorite brand, drink something else.

TEQUILA

Apparently, you people love agave. I have enough here to erase your memory of the entire weekend.

The Fancy Stuff: Don Julio Reposado, Maestro Dobel Diamante Cristilino.
The Good Stuff: Espolon (Blanco & Reposado), 1800 Reposado.
The Standards: Jose Cuervo (Silver & Gold).

WHISKEY & BOURBON

Brown liquor. For when the bowling is going poorly.

The Irish: Jameson, Shanky’s Whip (it’s black, it’s creamy, just drink it).
The American: Jack Daniels (Old No. 7 & Honey), Jim Beam, Seagrams 7, Driftless Glen.
The Canadian: Canadian Club, Crown Royal (Regular & Apple).
The Scotch: Dewars.

VODKA

It tastes like nothing. That’s the point.

Tito’s, Absolut, Three Olives Citrus, Deep Eddy Cranberry.

RUM

For pretending you’re on an island instead of in a bowling alley.

Captain Morgan, Bacardi, Bacardi Limon, Malibu.

GIN

Tanqueray.
That’s it. If you don’t like Tanqueray, you don’t like Gin.

SHOOTERS & LIQUEURS

The “I regret this already” section.

The Doctors: Dr. McGillicuddy (Menthol, Apple Pie, Cherry).
The Burn: Rumple Minze, Gold Schlager, Black Haus, Romano Black Sambuca, Shanky’s Whip (try it, you’ll like it).
The Cream: RumChata, Bailey’s Irish Cream.

DISCLAIMER: I wrote this list from memory while standing in the office. I might have missed a bottle or two. If you see something on the back bar that isn’t on this list, point at it and grunt. I’ll figure it out.

THE COLD STUFF

FIRST RULE: NO DRAFT BEER.

Stop looking at the taps. They don’t work. Yet. You are getting a sealed container. It is sanitary, it is cold, and it tastes exactly the way the factory intended.

CANS (The Milwaukee Dinner Jacket)

Aluminum is king. It gets cold fast, and it makes a nice crunching sound when you finish it.

The Miller Family: Lite, High Life (The Champagne of Beers), Genuine Draft (MGD), and Extra Light (Miller 64—for when you want to drink water but pay beer prices).
The Other Guys: Coors Light, Busch Light, PBR.
The Good Stuff: New Glarus Moon Man.

BOTTLES (The “Glassware” Section)

If you need to clink glasses to feel like you’re celebrating, this is your list.

The Wisconsin Passport: New Glarus Spotted Cow. (If you aren’t from here, this is what you order).
The Imports: Heineken, Becks, Modelo, Corona.
The Domestic: Sam Adams Boston Lager.

THE “I DON’T LIKE BEER” SECTION

Seltzers, teas, and other fizzy sugar water. I don’t drink this stuff, so don’t ask me what it tastes like. It tastes like headaches.

Twisted Tea: Original only.
Carbliss & White Claw: We have “Assorted and Random” flavors. You ask what flavors we have, I look in the cooler, and I tell you the first one I see. You get what you get.

THE BARGAIN BIN

Budweiser: I have a few left. They are expired. But let’s be honest—if you drink Budweiser by choice, you probably won’t notice the difference.
Miller Lite 7oz Bottles: Why?

NON-ALCOHOLIC

For the Designated Drivers and the under-aged.

Heineken 0.0: Tastes like beer, does nothing.
Sprecher’s Root Beer: This is the good stuff. Made right here in town with real honey. Served in a bottle, the way it should be.
Fountain Soda: Currently Cream City Sodas, soon to be Pepsi products. You gotta try the Italian Cherry.
Energy Drinks: Dang! on the gun and some assorted Monster.

Inventory subject to change based on how thirsty the bowling league was last night.